Fathers and daughters
Ruth Sunderland, the Observer’s business editor, remarks on her success in avoiding getting caught up in relaionships with married men.
Without exception, the women I know who have been involved with married men have had a troubled, or nonexistent, relationship with their dad. Coincidence? I think not.
I’m one of the lucky ones. My late father had plenty of faults, but his devotion to my mother was absolute. He had the word ‘fidelity’ engraved inside the wedding ring he gave her when they got married and I’m certain he never wavered from it. That could explain why, unlike some of my friends, when I was still a young, single girl about town, I was never much troubled by predatory married men. I didn’t flash up on their radar as a likely prospect because I was armed with the magic shield my father left me: the expectation men could, should and would be faithful.
There was one brief episode when, as a naive 24-year-old, I went on a few dates with an ‘older’ man in his thirties and was mystified why he disappeared each evening on the dot of 10.30.
On the advice of a more worldly friend, I conducted a test which went as follows. Me: would you like to come round for Sunday lunch? Him: I can’t. Me: why not; are you married? Him: yes; how did you know? Me: never mind that. Bye then.
What does she learn from this? I think the right lesson.
It’s amusing in retrospect, but the hurt a straying father can cause to a daughter is no laughing matter. It is too simplistic to suggest that a little girl with an unfaithful daddy is likely to become someone’s mistress when she grows up; adulterous relationships are as varied and complicated as marriages.
But a strong, loving paternal presence will surely set up positive expectations for a girl’s future sexual relationships, just as an unkind, absent or unfaithful father is liable to shatter her confidence in men and in herself.
. . .
If Daddy doesn’t love Mummy enough to treat her well, to be faithful to her and to stay with her, daughters are bound to draw conclusions for their own lives. We are not irrevocably trapped in scenarios set out for us by our parents; we have the power to break the mould. An adulterous father may not blight the life of his female children. But family patterns are powerful and they do have a propensity to repeat themselves.
So guys, I hate to sound moralistic, but if you can’t stay faithful for the sake of your wives, could you at least give it a try for the sake of your daughters?
My only puzzle is this: why does she fear sounding moralistic? Is there some objection to treating a cheat as a cheat?